Updated: Dec 31, 2022
What is connection? Like on an interpersonal level.
When I checked the synonyms here's what I found; Joining, Assembly, Linking, Construction, Associating, Relationship, Correlation, Relation, Context. As I read those words my heart beat increases and I begin to feel very uncomfortable.
Joining is to become part of something and to give part of myself to that something. Things I joined as a kid felt pressured, it's what good girls do, so joining anything makes me feel hesitant. However I have joined, I have joined AA, I have joined a cause I care deeply about, and I have joined in a spiritual partnership.
Assembly feels like school where they shoved all the students into the gymnasium to watch as the popular kids got awards and the rest of us clapped and worried we would never be good enough to be recognized, or at least that is what I felt.
Relation, this honestly feels like a bad word to me. When I hear it I think of bad relation, like a child being abused by an adult.
Context, another bad word. Context is not everything, I think subjection is more important. Context assumes the connection is mutual and that there is mutuality in the expereince. Every connection has two subjective sides and then an overlap, the overlap is the context and context is not always the truth.
Wow, I didn't really recognize all the negative connotation and experiences that I have had in the past around connection. I guess my trepidation is founded in experience. The thing is I am not the shy people pleaser I once was, I am a women who knows her worth and understands red flags when I see them. I can now fundamentally trust myself, I can make connections with assertion and grace. I can make good decisions for myself, perhaps I need to love the little girl who could not.