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  • Sher

Patriarchal Loyalty

Updated: Nov 3, 2022

I went through I real eye opening experience recently. Oppression, though highly intersectional is not always equitably transferable. What I mean is that one opressed group doesn't always understand or have the back of another group. Well I broke that ignorant bias of mine. I had this bias that there was some kind of unspoken loyalty and understanding but from my expereince over the last year that has not been the case. I will change names in this narrative and some details as my I am not sharing this to shame anyone inparticular but I do need to expose what patriarchal loyalty looks like.


I worked at the community nonprofit for a little over a year. My boss is well known, popular to say the least, he knows our systems really well and checks of boxes off with precision and will go to any lengths to do so. Steve is very observant, he can play the game. It didn't seem to me that systems change was his passion, more like system manipulation. He knows how to gasp at the right moment, he can give a speech on any topic with little prep time. They guy can get it done. He has a very specific way her likes things, but as an employee you are not privy to this until after the assignemnt is complete. “Sher, no, why would you do that?” Hours of labored love and then only criticism.

My friend Lora has been dealing with a much more trauamtic incident than myself however they both stem from the same systems problems. Lack of compassion, and unhealed people in leadership roles just projecting their shit everywhere. She was sexually assaulted and then when she asked for help from police officers, they did not protect her. And then it kept flowing right through the fucked up systems that favor the aggressor and further traumatize and victimize the victim. She was told she was lying, she was denied reality, that is messed the fuck up.


Why don’t men trust women?


I have so often been mistrusted by men in the workplace, and for no other reason then I am a woman and a really good leader, at one point in my life it became a norm it was just the way it was. This doesn’t go to say that I have had wonderful stand up men that I have worked with, most of them were brown or black men, at least the ones that had my back when it mattered. I have been grilled by white men in private settings in the workplace so many times that it makes me squirm thinking how I put up with it. I was groomed by society - girls are not agressive, girls are seen and not heard, boys are better than girls always and in all ways.


Have you been grilled at work?


What do you feel like after someone criticizes your work and then redoes it in front of you?


What statement feels better? What type of emotions come up when you read both.


It looks like you have put quite a bit of work into this, keep going your on the right track, specifically look at section three you can go deeper here. Also I know grammar is not your strength but Jill is great at it and I know she would be happy to edit when your ready. What do you think your timeline looks like on this project? Will you have a second draft ready for next weeks meeting? I will schedule you a 15 presentation time slot on the agenda and the team can help collarborate and give feedback if that sounds like your nest step. I can feel your passion and you seem to be at a steady pace. How do you feel do you need support do you have any other outstanding concerns?


Less then a minute into the presentation


"Sher- rah that’s not going to work." "Yeah stay on topic we don’t need to think about that right now it’s not a priority." "Come on give me an answer quick." "What are the next steps." "What else are you going to do to fix this." "Ok do this and do this and call this person and text this person." "Ok you got it cool." "Next project go." (Basically he’s saying I wanted you to read my mind and produce this mindful masterpiece, shit why couldn’t you read my mind just let me do it).

I will go out on a limb here I guess you chose the boss in the first example.


You can attach the second to many of our system leaders. Uhg this is how alot of people still lead - Men and Women. Power, money, fear, shame. It’s really really sad! But we are shifting the paradigm. How are we shifting? Men are trusting us. Women of the world just want to love and be free, that’s what we want y’all freedom, get it? Men must challenge the patriarchy, this is how we will feel unconditionaly loved and truly your equal. And I promise we will make the world safer.



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