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  • Sher

Shivering

Updated: Jan 15, 2022

I woke up this morning to my boyfriend huffing and fighting with the covers. He practically yanks the entire down comforter off of me rolls over, mumbles, and falls back asleep. He had knee surgery a couple of weeks ago and mornings have been a little rough for him. Mornings are when the pain and discomfort seem to be the worst. He has also not been sleeping very well so early wake up calls have not been his cup of tea.

I feel like this often. Unexpectedly exposed, cold, and unnoticed. It’s not that I think Tony doesn’t notice me it's actually quite the opposite this is more of a general statement about my life.

I often allow the comforter to be pulled off me. I tend to put others comfort before my own, this is the peacemaker the people pleaser in me and this is the piece of me that aches to truly be seen.

I lightly tug the corner of the blanket to barely cover my naked legs and I look over at Tony. He is completely unaware that I am shivering and wide awake. I am often shivering I am small and thin and like many women I am always cold.

Tony and I have been dating for six months actually Saturday will officially be our sixth month anniversary. Tony and I connected through Alcoholics Anonymous, but our real connection has been in literature, film, philosophy, and higher learning. We both have this incredible urge to learn more about life, about why we are here on this planet. Tony is a poet, he has a way with words that is both haunting and romantic at the same time. He opens a piece of his heart in his poetry and it is beautiful in there.

I knew the moment that I saw Tony I needed to know him. I have this kind of radar for people that I have had since I was little. I can be in a room with a hundred people I don’t know, I will scan the room and always find the person who is my kind. When I find that person the rest of the people at the party stop looking so much like monsters, this other person makes being in social situations bare-able.

When he spoke at meetings he was both eloquent and vulnerable I could feel his heart dripping and his soul yearning. Tony is my kind. Not to mention that he is a total hunk of a man. He is tall, handsome, strong, and has the cutest little smile that bleeds authenticity.

When Tony is around I feel safe, the shivering stops, I don’t feel exposed I feel seen. This is the scariest thing about our relationship. To truly be seen is both beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. I fell in love with Tony so quickly and so hard when he pulled the blanket off of me he did so with such compassion and warmth I was not left feeling cold and exposed.

Attachment is a topic that Tony and I discussed often when we first started dating and continue to. When I use the word dating I giggle because we basically moved in together from the 2nd date. We have been attached at the hip since then, we joke that we are Siamese twins. Seriously we haven’t spent more than 24 hours a part since day 1.

We recognized that this is a slippery slope for people like us, Alcoholics. AA often warns of dating too early in sobriety and many Alcoholics have codependent tendencies.

In those first few months of attending AA meetings I knew that I could not pursue Tony, I couldn’t show any interest. I was not ready for him. So I didn’t talk to him I didn’t even make eye contact with him, I refused to fall in love with him. It wasn’t until 9 months later that things began.

COVID hit and our AA meetings were no longer being held in the warm safe church on Country Club road they were being held online in the cold confines of Zoom. At 41 years of age I am one of the younger members of my home group. When it became apparent that the church was no longer able to stay open for our meetings I just swooped in and took charge of beginning the process of Zoom hosted meetings. I seemed to have the most experience when it came to this technology and I was panicked about losing meetings as much as my fellows. We didn’t skip a beat. Thursday’s meeting was in the warm space in the church and Friday’s was in Zoomland.

As meetings progressed and more people began to get the swing of things I couldn’t help but notice that someone was missing, the person that made things bare-able. I didn’t know it then but the text that I sent that day was the planting of the seed. “Hey Tony. Sher here, thought we’d be seeing you at the online meetings. Do you have the link?.” This is how it all began.

Sixth months later, this morning, he stole my covers. I was cold and shivering but I am not afraid.


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