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What is an Adult?

The last few years have been without a doubt the major growth years of my life. Lot's of traveling has happened, I've journey to recesses of my heart that I thought had been torn to shreds. Turns out they were just peeled opened and unprotected so I could see the truth.

I had lunch with my sponsor today, we talked about the usual stuff. The fact that I don't call enough, that self sufficiency is still the character defect that gets me most in trouble. I know what I am suppose to do when things get mangled in my brain, but something in me still says I can do this on my own. Actually what is being said in my head is "you have to do this on your own".

In all reality I have not been doing things on my own. I have reached out to others, I have made connections, I have begun to trust others again. You wouldn't believe it but I have learned this lesson from my 19 year old twin sons.

Three years ago we were a mess. They had lost all trust in me and for good reason. There Mom, the person who was suppose to protect them, took a hard left turn and opted out. I divorced their Dad and in an alcoholic rage I pulled down the curtain. I exposed who their Dad really was, in one failed swoop.

My ex has his own set of trauma and emotional issues in life, nothing I need to get into, however we were in a very unhealthy codependent relationship. I took the brunt of his emotional toils because I thought it was my responsibility. Over time it got worse and worse and I hid it from everyone, especially my kids.

You could imagine how they felt at 16 years old to hear me in a drunkin rage expose their Dad's abuse and neglect. The man I protected from everything suddenly became my worse enemy and I, without intention, put that emotional burden on my kids. So they took I hard left turn as well and chose to live with their Dad.

At about a year of sobriety I asked my kids for their forgiveness, and they gave it to me. Trust on the other hand has taken time. I had to cease all control over my ex, I had to allow my boys to see him for who he is and to see me for who I am. Today one lives with me and the other 1/2 mile down the street at their Dad's house.

My boys have been guilt tripped into spending every holiday with their Dad since the split. It has been incredibly difficult and painful but today, I get it. I am strong, the boys know this I have proven that to them, they see that I will not let another person's bad behavior break me. Today I am responsible for my own happiness, my own emotions, and my own behaviors.

My boys are my reason for everything. Wise beyond their years, the kindest hearts, and a creativity that is double executed with humility and love. Twins are special and these two are extraordinary. How this Mom got so lucky, I don’t know? Happy 19th Birthday Hayden and Dylan!

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